Changing Your Internal Monologue From a Bully to a Pep Talk

Hello hello readers,

As many of you know, at least I’m 90% sure I have written about this recently, but I am back into running. Yep, it’s a love hate relationship where I mostly love to hate it 😛 BUT, Since the beginning of 2022, I have been consistent with running, have been following a training program to improve distance and speed and have stuck to said program faithfully. I feel like I’m finally over the hump – that is, when the run is over. During the run is a completely different story.

I have this fun habit (code for not fun) where I get frustrated or annoyed, which causes me to become anxious and then I get more frustrated or annoyed which further fuels my anxiety. This happens most often when I’m on the treadmill, somewhere between mile 1 and mile 3. Good times.

This weekend was no different. I was completing my long run – a schedule 8.9km or 5.5miles. Mile 1 went great, and then it went downhill, and quickly. Sometime after mile 1.5 I started to get really agitated, focusing on my speed (or my lack there of in my mind), getting annoyed by how much farther I had to go, how hot and humid the room was and started to make excuses for myself to stop. It went something like this;

“You’re so slow, why are you even doing this, BE FASTER”

“You used to run double this distance for fun and now you can’t even get past 2 miles”

“Remember how fast you used to run a mile – what happened to that person”

…and on and on until my anxiety was sky high and I felt like a total failure. At the 2.5mile mark I was nearing a full meltdown. I slowed the treadmill down to a walking pace so I could collect my breath – a choice that only continued to encourage my brain to remind me how “unfit” I was. So in retaliation, I picked up the speed and exceeded how quickly I was running before – that was a poor choice. After a few minutes I slowed to a walk again, totally frustrated with myself – mind and body. In that moment, my dog must have thought I had lost my mind.

Out loud I started giving myself a pep talk;

“Don’t quit, you can do this”

“This isn’t easy, you’ll feel so good if you finish”

“YOU CAN DO THIS, STOP BEING A BABY” – this one definitely motivates me.

I started clapping and telling myself to pick it up, to keep going, to just finish – no matter the time, just finish.

So I blasted a great song and picked it back up. From that point on, every mile closer I got to the goal I would congratulate myself; “You did it, only X more to go” – “you’re doing it, keep going”.

Then finally, around 4.5miles (7ish km), I decided to prove something to myself – I could do 8.9km, AND I could do 10km too. So, since I decided to be mean to myself earlier, I was going to show that inner monologue how wrong they were – screw running 8.9km – I was running 10km. From that point on, the inner monologue become much more encouraging, even prideful. I was doing it, I could do it, and I was gonna do it.

When I finally hit “stop” on the treadmill, I had run my 10km – not in an excellent time, but I had done it and I felt amazing – like I could do anything.

As I was stretching (highly recommend by the way), I reflected on my attitude during that run, and the way I spoke to myself early on. I was so embarrassed. It’s so easy to get frustrated with ourselves for things we “can’t do” or things we aren’t doing “well enough”. But what’s the point? You’re doing your best in that moment, so bullying yourself isn’t going to make that better.

The moment I started encouraging myself out loud, was the moment my entire attitude changed – at first, they were just words, I just needed to say something positive to try to knock the negativity out of my brain. But after a few encouraging words, I was really believing it, and I was feeling capable and empowered.

Why are we so mean to ourselves? Am I the only one that does that? It happens WAY too often in my case – nearly every time I run actually – I’m too alone with my thoughts and the silence brings out the worst in me. This was the first time I didn’t just continue to bully myself into submission, but I actually flipped the script and tried encouraging myself instead. What a difference that makes. Instead of punishing myself for the remaining miles, I was actually enjoying the rest of the run – getting into the songs, celebrating the little milestones and allowing myself to slow when needed to grab water, change a song or just take a breath.

I’m not a competitive runner, and I have zero intention of being one, so why on earth does my time or speed matter? It doesn’t. If I’m a little slower now than I was 2 years ago, who cares? No one.

This exact situation was the reason I got out of running a while back. It was to stressful and became so unenjoyable, mostly because I was bullying myself.

I swore when I got back into running this time that I wouldn’t do that, and yet, I can’t help it. It’s my default.

This time, I refuse to let my little mind bully ruin something I like. That mind bully can go straight to H-E- double hockey sticks. If I have to scream at the top of my lungs and tell myself I am capable as of way of drowning out that inner bully, that’s what I’ll do. Sure, my husband and dog will think I have completely lost it, but good golly – if that’s what it takes, then so be it.

Let’s pep talk ourselves instead of bullying ourselves. When our minds say “you can’t”, let our words say “you’ve got this”. My voice is definitely louder than the little coward in my brain. It’s not easy to flip the script, but if it can do for you, what it did for me this weekend, then I highly recommend trying it.

If you think encouraging yourself out loud is crazy – let me tell you, quietly bullying yourself is even crazier.

You got this!